The Modern Renaissance Woman

To Finally Love Yourself

My trip has truly been interesting and extremely refreshing, not going to lie. I am truly reminded and blessed and happy to be where I am. Saturday night was beautiful as always (the candles are my favorites part…and no it has nothing to do with playing with the candles as a kid…to much)

Afterwards I spent it with my madre, who made sure that she got Easter eggs to hide! (which I loved! It was so incredibly sweet of her!) So that I could ifnd them in the morning. Which I did.

I will say I have missed my bed. Which is nice. And high and padded with cushion and a nice mattress and it is just heavenly. And yes I would have a love affair with my bed if I could…It is just that good.

But Sunday morning I was woken up by the delicious smells of the traditional Slovak breakfast which is incredible. And clearly I came home just for that (and the Easter egg hunt:)

The day was completely chill. I actually ended up making desert because I miss it in my tiny going to start a fire if I cook or bake kitchen. We had dinner in the afternoon and at that point Pumpkin and Rhister had to leave because they are going to Florida! (slightly jealous since the wondrous 80s weather we had been having has disappeared!) And it was nice because for the rest of the day, I read books and watched Hallmark movies with my mom.

A perfect low key Easter and I loved it!

This whole visit for the most part has been low key. I mostly spent it with my parentals. I visited two friends, and I watched a movie with my brother, which was really nice.

I won’t say this visit wasn’t without drama since one person didn’t talk to me at all until I was getting ready to leave.

But I also didn’t pander to them. Which in their defense they aren’t use to.

But I have also realized that I can’t. I can’t make people happy. And I can’t be responsible for that.

Because in doing so I lost who I was.

And because of that I turned down a slippery slope.

As I have said you can’t blame people for your choices, but you can decide whether you let their influences affect you.

And this visit I showed that I wasn’t going to.

That said, this was only a short visit and being around them for less then a day, I had it easy. Next time I come home I don’t know if it will be that easy. Especially because I know judgments are going to start flying after people read this.

But for me. I need to learn to not care. We all have our struggles and those that bash loudest have the biggest struggles. I know I speak from experience, because  I use to be like that. The expression she doth proteth loudly or however it goes (laugh go ahead I can take it: ) is true.

I think I almost need to come home in order to respect myself and how much I have grown and learned to love myself. I still have such an incredibly long way to go. But I already know I am healthier then ever before.

And for me that is something that is just so incredible. So emotional.

I can’t describe it. Except that it makes me want to cry. Not out of sadness, but out of happiness, out of warming tears which translate to healing because that is what I have done.

And to have come this far in such a short time is  a huge triumph. For me it has empowered me to take the leap to believe in myself. To do what I know I can do.

I have come from such a deep self loathing place to one where I can look myself in my mirror and love myself, when I can do a yoga pose or go skating and not hate myself because god damnit I can’t get it.

I have come to a place where failing is okay, not being perfect is okay.

People say you can’t go home (I know some people say the opposite) In some ways they are right. At least for right now. Because coming home has made me realize what I have gained, and it has also reminded me what I had lost, which was my innocents,, my dignity, my love of myself.

And to gain that finally is a feeling that I don’t want to lose. And I don’t want to go back home until I know that I am strong enough to be around those people who are still deeply insecure.

Until maybe I can help them in way they will be receptive.

But until then, I am going to bask in my newfound love of myself. It isn’t selfishness it is contentment. And for the first time despite EVERYTHING that has happened. It feels pretty damn good. Namaste peeps! ❤

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