Aging the Journey

Another year. Another age, do I feel older? Well from yesterday? Uh no. Sorry. I see the crestfallen faces.
No twenty-three does not feel different from twenty-two, give it some time people it has only been sixty -eight hours*
Isn’t it funny how people automatically assume these transformations?
Transformations don’t just happen. You can decide they happen, but it doesn’t mean your body, your job, etc are going to change right that minute. Sadly, unless you are Harry Potter (If you are I hate you….Actually i don’t marry me and teach me your ways) or a contestant on the Biggest Loser where from week to week is actually six weeks apart (ahhh magic!) it takes time.
This past year has shown that.
It isn’t instant gratification who would want that? Oh right humans. And dogs, when Fido** wants food he wants it now…which is usually twenty-six/eight.
As Greg Anderson said: Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it.”
Maybe it was my years as a competitive skater (you wanna see fierce look no further!) getting up at ridiculous hours not fit until you have kids, being screamed at by a coach who would have done well in Soviet Russia rather then small town New Hampshire, or trying to fight to stand out, to stand at the top of the ladder err podium rather then off of it.
I had to love it right? I know what your thinking, blood sweat and tears err riighhhhttt.
Sarcastic humor aside (for a mili second), including, dreams of Michelle Kwan-esqu greatness and glitter (every girl loves glitter even deep down in their tom boy hearts) there is a certain type of steely will, that makes you attack each jump even after falling on your bum for the millionth time (no exaggerations cross my heart etc etc etc), a certain adrenaline rush as you fly across the ice (Broomstick say what Harry Potter?) and a calmness smoothless effort as you transition from move to move.
Figure Skaters are the shizzle. Okay fine athletes are. (even flippin’ hockey players….even if they don’t have a toepick…Cutting Edge anyone?)
But we are a certain breed (Not half bloods***) and I won’t deny that it has grounded me and trained me in ways that have helped me get through the last several years.
The journey of a skater is much like life. We don’t just wake up being able to do an axel (Hate Ice Princess HATE Ice Princess ahem) just like we don’t get that dream job with out working our butts off, instant gratification remember?
But slowly, gradually, over time we work our way up. Sometime it might come at once. Axel then double, and sometimes it might take years, a raise a year then nada for three. But we don’t give up. Even when the going gets tough.
I don’t feel any differently then when I was twenty-two, right now. It is the subtleties, as my teacher said in my yoga class yesterday subtle movements, small increments, you may need more you may need less, but we work in increments, such as in life. You don’t just start a job one day and demand a raise the next, pretty sure you would be laughed outside the door, and fired.
But I do feel different from six months ago, and twenty-one? Do I need to answer that?
But yesterday? today? I might be more emotionally stable or mentally unstable (joking kinda) but pretty sure that growth I am supposed to feel as I turn another age isn’t gonna happen, not for a little while at least.
That said it doesn’t mean that changes haven’t happened to me. After all a year and a half ago I picked myself up and moved myself to a city where I essentially knew no one.
Switched job careers.
Started school (what was I thinking? Homework? Really?)
Dealt with roaches and rats (my proudest moment by far)
Began to heal myself in so many ways.
Yeah I must have been taken over by a zombie (If they did that, not a zombie expert)
With the exception of the first four (well technically still dealing with the fourth but that is what I have Raid for) the last I am still working on, because it is a journey. One that is slow and probably will be working on the rest of my life.
Because loving yourself is actually pretty hard to do (damn why couldn’t I be a narcissistic model, oh that is right I am a legal midget) and it takes time.
Healing our wounds, fighting our insecurities, taking our moments in the world, it doesn’t just happen because you turn another year, or you make a life changing move, or because it is a new year (don’t get me started on resolutions, please really don’t) it comes from time, and from with in.
Declaring I am whatever that is is half the step especially mentally, but everything else comes with time. It is the journey. Enjoy it. Don’t rush it. Because it is the journey, that makes our successes so great.
I have never appreciated anything that was handed to me as much as I have appreciated the struggles it took.
Life is a journey, enjoy it savor it, spoil yourself a little and let yourself love, love yourself, love your age, love your body, love where you are in this time and place. because that is the true essence.
*At the time this was written since I am horrible with posting sorry sad truth did you see the black hole of the last year? Yeah nothing interesting happened anyway
**Disclaimer do not own a dog fido, and I did I would not name him fido, not that there is anything wrong with said name fido…gonna shut up now.
***I swear I am not a harry Potter geek much…..

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