Pen and Caffeinated Ponderings

Anger

an·ger
ˈaNGgər/
noun
noun: anger; plural noun: angers
  1. 1.
    a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
verb
verb: anger; 3rd person present: angers; past tense: angered; past participle: angered; gerund or present participle: angering
  1. 1.
    fill (someone) with anger; provoke anger in.

    “she was angered by his terse answer”

  1. synonyms:
  1. infuriateirritateexasperateirkvexpeevemadden, put out; Moreenrageincenseannoy;
    rub the wrong way;
    informalmake someone’s blood boil, get someone’s back up, make someone see red, get someone’s dander up, rattle someone’s cage, make someone’s hackles rise;
    aggravate, get someone, rile, tick off, tee off, burn up
    “she was angered by his terse reply”
Anger. A five letter word. Filled with so much emotion, rage. Anger.
Anger has contributed to much of the worlds woes. It is not to be confused with hate, which in my opinion insinuates rage long lasting hostility and holding a grudge.
Don’t get me wrong. Anger is definitely the gateway to hatred. Gateway drug, gateway emotion get it? Okay fine I thought it was good)
Anger is what we feel in our hearts. It lets us fester and stew. It is what can lead to jealousy and hatred. Anger can even create fear within ourselves and outside forces.
It leads us down dark paths. And takes up space in our hearts. Taking away energy we could be focusing on other more positive thoughts.
I generally am not an angry person. I thrive on forgiveness, and moving past things. I don’t have time in my life for that kind of grief.
Now as pompous and holier then thou as that might sound, (who am I kidding? it is, even if it is true) it doesn’t mean I don’t have anger. Or hold grudges.
On the contrary I do. But I will get to that.
The point is it isn’t good nor is it healthy for anyone. It festers like a wound that won’t heal.
And most of the time, the people you are angry at? They don’t give a shit.
All of those bad thoughts. They aren’t hurting anyone, but you. They sure as hell aren’t hurting the one they are directed at. Sadly the NSA can’t weaponize emotions, just tap phone calls.
Those thoughts consume YOU. Not the person those thoughts are directed at.
It would be great to create a voodoo doll. It would be even better if that voodoo doll worked. (Disclaimer: I realize we just came off of Halloween and the Horror movie season…But I asure you all movies with voodoo dolls is totally Hollywood’s imagination. I pinky promise) But the fact is, payback revenge, even telling the person to go fuck themselves. It really does nothing.
It might feel good at the time. It might be instant gratification, something we as Americans thrive on. But in the long run. It does no good.
And as much as I say, I don’t get angry. I have had people I want to throttle. Especially one in particular.
I have planned and plotted what I would say when we finally had our show down. (which we never had, because I hate confrontation and am a lover not a fighter…All together awe)
Which I may have dreamed about for the last two years or so.
Asking how they could betray my family in such a way.
Be so selfish and conceited to only care about themselves to use something so horrible to make themselves feel better and get back together with my brother.
To try to pretend to be my friend, only for yourself to get sympathy and then turn around and stab me in the back when I needed a friend the most.
To be hurtful, and pretend they were the ones who was grieving the most when in fact they didn’t give a shizzle and then refuse to even say my sisters name to my face, all the while talking shit about my family.
Not that I am bitter or anything. realy why on earth would you think that?
It has been so easy, to hold onto this anger. To want to flip them off when they have the gall to so much as say hi to me, when I know they are two faced.
But do they know it?
Sadly doubtful.
It is funny. Because there have been many chances to be angry, in this life time with the way life is, get angry on the subway, get angry at pedestrians. get angry at every day things. it is easy. But it is especially easy to let go with those strangers. Flash of anger or frustration and poof it is gone in an instant (at least for me, told you I wasn’t an angry person)
It amazed me at how much I could let go of the hatred at the driver who had killed my sister. Forgive? No. Bt I feel that is different then wanting to constantly throw daggers and flip someone off. To me he didn’t exist.
But then before he decided to drive impaired and change my life forever, he didn’t exist either. I didn’t know him. I still don’t except for a picture and a name.
But family and friends who do you wrong? The hurt is stronger. The anger deeper. The betrayal greater. It cuts at one’s heart.
But it is also those people, you have to work at letting that anger go the most. To not let it fester or consume you.
It is much easier said then done.
But almost two years out, I have realized that anger really does nothing for my sunny disposition. It makes it rather cloudy and I don’t like that.
I would love to give my ex-friend the heave ho. Yell and scream all I want. But would it really do any good? No it wouldn’t. Would it make me feel better? Only for a few minutes. But then I would have that anger and disappointment right back.
Because what I really want, an apology, I don’t think is possible. I wish it were so.
But the fact of the matter is, you can’t make people see their own wrongs, you can’t force it, it is something they have to come to know themselves. And even then, very few, will openly admit they are wrong.
You can’t change them. Only yourself.
Mark Twain said it best:
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
I for one do not want to damage the vessel I have. Old age, and city pollution does that enough.
I want to be able to have only love in my heart, not anger or hatred. Love. I know people will ask me how can i have forgive? But it isn’t forgiveness. Because one should never forgive somebody for who they are. We all have our faults. Our type A or B or C or Z personalities.
We are who we are. The good and the bad.
And with that we need to let go and move on. Move past the anger, acknowledge they are who they are and move forward.
It isn’t easy. As humans as a society, we tend to stay stuck in our emotions. But like with anything, it is a journey. One we strive for, sometimes we fail and take it out on the clerk, but if we keep working at it. We can finally succeed to let it go, and let it something a little bit more joyful.
I know, it took me two years, but I think maybe the old bygones are bygones. You can’t expect anything from people. Only yourself. And I want to be the best possible person I can. For myself. That means no anger. Or at not holding onto anger. I might flip the construction worker who says perverted things to me the bird….I might….I know another thing to work on.
So maybe, just maybe when I go home In December, instead of mentally flipping my ex-friend off, I think I might say hi.
Baby steps.
I don’t know if we will ever get back to the close friendship we had.
But I do know, that I refuse to let the anger hold me back from being my true self. Nor will I let it change me into something I am not.
Baby steps.
Made with a simple “Hi” this December.

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