Wintertime Blues

Keep your face to the sunshine, and you can not see a shadow.
The last few days I have been so invigorated. The weather has been warm, the sun shining. Even the ups and downs of cold and warmth can’t get me down. I feel like the winter blues, which I tend to get badly, just fall off, like discarded shoulder pads of the eighties. (which hopefully never come back into style)
I feel lighter, and more free, not just emotionally but also physically, which is weird, because it isn’t like you are just going to shed pounds because it is warm.
I wish.
If that was the case I would be living in Cali right now.
But everything about life just feels and seems more peaceful, more genuine, less negative.
This morning after my run, I was standing in line at my local Starbucks. The last few days I had been “naughty” Getting an iced caramel Macchiatto with skim milk, which makes it so much healthier…or so I tell myself.
I decided to stick with my usual, iced skim vanilla latte (during the winter it is usually a hot soy latte, but have you had iced soy? Ewwwwww) As a New Yorker, brunch is a tradition and I was meeting a friend later at Bareburger. I wanted my usual.
It wasn’t even a conscious decision that I would be gorging myself on food later (which I will guilt free…have you eaten there? It is food heaven on earth.) it was just that I wanted something light. I was listening to my body.
The ironic thing, I didn’t even think of it as “good” or “bad” until I was walking the block back to my apartment.
The last few days I hadn’t been labeling my choices positively or negatively. It was what my taste buds wanted and what my body was craving. In essence it was a splurge, but until now I had never thought of it in that context.
I didn’t feel guilty about calories, or go back out to run five extra miles and take two hot classes a day.
It was like subconsciously I was wanting to celebrate because the weather has been so nice. No remorse. Guilt free.
Which honestly it is a huge improvement from what I had been feeling the last few months.
I started overthinking my decision (much more then I did in line ironically) not about counting calories, but about why I didn’t give a shit the last few days.
Then I thought about last year (it has been a very contemplative morning what can I say) and ironically I was the same way.
Crazy conscious during winter, caring about every little thing I ate, being depressed, because I couldn’t work out because it was so flipping cold. and no matter what I did I still gained weight.
But come sunshine, warmer weather….and yes forties are warmer, sue me this girl will take anything she can get. It all goes out the window.
I don’t give a shit. Bathing suit diet? What is that?
I start to run not to lose weight but because I enjoy the way I feel with the sun shining down on me, and actually sweating (yes I am one of those people who enjoys sweating….oh sorry as my coach would say glisten…I never said I was a lady much to her chagrin.)
The temps start going up and I start to feel free.
Free from the dreary cold months.
Free from hauling my ass up to go running in the cold, where I come back and am an icicle.
Free to not watch what I eat.
There is just a freeness.
And that freeness lets me reach my goals, not consciously but subconsciously.
When I let go of all the pressures and all the expectations, I actually lose more weight, without trying harder.
I know people would say it is because I am moving more or eating more fresh veggies. But I disagree. Living in NY there are farmers markets year round.
And honestly spring equals Easter Candy. I am not ashamed to say that I have already polished off a bag of Cadburry eggs and yes I know Easter hasn’t even come yet, I blame my love life.
And summer equals ice cream. Not ashamed to admit either that the people at Sixteen Handles knew me by the end of June. By name. And my caramel addiction.
And while I am being so honest, (my shrink would be proud) I prefer winter vegetables more so then the ones in summer.
The difference isn’t what I eat, or how focused I am on losing weight. It is in fact, that I am not focused on it.
It is like when I do donkey kicks into a handstand. The more I try to conquer the kick, the more it seems I over think and in essence fail. (I know I know there is no failing in yoga)
Where as if I calm the chatter in my brain, let the breath push me, and stop thinking of what I think I know, and just do, I will end up doing it.
And usually it is filled with a holy shit moment, where I fall out oh so gracefully.
But then we aren’t striving for perfection.
It is the same during the winter, which I already hate, because it is so bloody cold and dark out. And because I love to self diagnose, (joking I swear) I am pretty sure I suffer from Effective Seasonal Disorder, otherwise known as Winter You Can Kiss My Derriere.
Even Christmas doesn’t help much.
And that extra hour we get? It can also kiss my ass.
The pressure is already on, and the chatter going on in my brain, is pretty much all negative, unless inebriated and then it is just gibberish.
Negative thoughts do not lead to positive results. No matter how hard you try.
And believe me, during winter I am like a crazy person.
But summer I am just naturally happier.
More care-free.
Having love handles doesn’t bother me. To much. Let’s face it I am still human.
In the words of Elsa from Frozen, “I let it go, Let it go.”  You are going to be thanking me later for that one. I know you are.
Aside from “letting it go,” I live.
Not for food or how many miles I do. But the simplicity. No pressures. No expectations.
They just all seem to vanish with the darkness.
With the revelation of today, I feel, I hope it sets me down a road where maybe I can embrace winter a bit better.
I am never going to love it.
And let’s face it, it isn’t financially possible to leave my life for four months every year to go to Bermuda, or Bahamas or any other island the Beach Boys talked about.
But with the realization of today, I can try to enjoy it a little more.

 

We all have to go through things we don’t like. it is part of life. But finding the positives, even if it is a snowflake in the shape of a heart, or the way the sun hits the window, then we will all be in a better place.

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