Am I a Native Yet?

“The city is not a concrete jungle, it is a human zoo.” ~ Desmond Morris

So many emotions are hitting me today but most prevalent are gratitude, amazement, and love.

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Five Years ago, I arrived in the concrete jungle definitely one of the cubs. In a city that can have an eat or be eaten attitude I felt out of my element. Which was ironic because I had been spending time here for years and more and more in the last two prior to my move.

At the time I was at an all time low and despite moving to a new city I wasn’t sure I would be pulling myself out of it. No one knew the inner battles I was fighting with, yet everyone was judging the choices I was making without really knowing me.

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I’ll never forget that. Not because I hold ill will towards anyone but because it is a reminder not to cast stones UNLESS you know the full story. At the time I didn’t want anyone to know because I was ashamed.

Thus I arrived in New York with two suitcases at an apartment that as cliche as it sounds really was a shit-hole. Everyone needed a shoddy apartment, this was mine.

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I had moved here for yoga teacher training, and I remember sitting in my submitted studio, during a weekend I had dubbed “Anatomy on Speed.” I was studying body parts and proper terminology at one in the morning when all of a sudden I saw a rat dart out from beneath my bed. It wasn’t just that I wasn’t in Kansas North Conway anymore, it was a moment that made me realize I had to either be a big girl or suffer through.

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There were moments where I did suffer through, eating carrots and hummus for breakfast lunch and dinner. Where there was constant rejection. Hundreds of no’s, that whittled away at my confidence and whether I could do this or no. The shoddy relationships. The days where I talked to not a single person in a city of millions. The moments when I truly felt like I was hanging by a tree branch and I had no one to help me, but myself.

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As shitty as those moments were I wouldn’t change a thing, because they led me to some pretty amazing moments.

Countless memories of hanging at Central park or Brighton Beach. Of disastrous but pretty damn funny dates, that made me wonder if that happened. to the moments where I realized I really could love someone whole heartedly, but then also give them up because we both deserved the ut most happiness. To knowing I would find love, true love, not lust again.

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The serendipitous moment of meeting my best friend who lived in Maine and also had a beautiful mermaid heart and a wanderlust soul.

To seeing Broadway shows, Rangers games, Boxed seats at Metlife, runs in the Hamptons. Drinking exploits in the village. Two for ones in Midtown, exploring all the city has to offer and always ALWAYS finding something new.

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Thank you New York.

The growth I have experienced the last five years has been tremendous not just with relationships or career changes but with myself. I have found that inner peace I didn;t have when I first moved here. I have found that confidence that I needed. It wasn;t easy. BUT I made it. I did it. And that is the most important part. If you want something bad enough you will fight for it, You won’t give up. You will stay the course because that journey tells you more about yourself then anything else.

8 thoughts on “Am I a Native Yet?

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  1. Aw this is such a great but raw and real dedication to NYC. Going from mountains to tall buildings is a completely different way of living and I’m so proud that you overcame the hard times, isn’t it so crazy how places and locations can shape and make who you are today?! And look at you now 5 years later you’re just happy go lucky frolicking through the city what a great adjustment it turned out to be and I’m so happy for you!!! You’re totally my New Yorker blogger gal!!! Do you think NYC will be home for another 5 years and so on?!

    xo, JJ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awe thank you sweets. That means a lot. It really is crazy! Sometimes iw under what I would be like if I had moved to California or Paris.
      This comment just put a huge smile on my face. Thanks beauty! I am very happy and grateful to be your New York Blogger Girl! I was thinking, especially after seeing Mack we need to have a “Blogger Conference” in New York. Mimosas. Shopping. Site Seeing. Coffee….All In the name of blogging of course;) Seriously though I would love to show you the city!
      I honestly couldn’t say. I love it and will be here working on year six, but I also love traveling and exploring so who knows 🙂
      Thanks again sweets for putting a huge smile on my face! I hope you have an amazing weekend! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I loved this post. I had the overpriced shoddy apartment but instead of being in NYC my story took place in a Southern California beach town where I lived some of the hardest days of my single girl life. Even with all the highs and lows I too wouldn’t change that time for the world.

    When I got to the part where you wrote about the rat in your apartment I wanted to hug you! I bet you wanted to run away from that intruder in your space, but you stayed and persevered. Always find comfort in knowing that no matter how nice someone’s place is in NYC, rats and roaches are a thing for them too. It’s just part of city dwelling. When Andy Cohen from BRAVO was trying to buy the flat above his to expand his place, he too was sharing his space with roaches in his not too shoddy NYC apartment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your sweet words and sharing your own story. I agree with you. As horrible as it was, I look back now and feel like Wonder Woman :p
      Awe huge hugs. I did, I really did!
      Awe thank you. Seriously this means so much to me! Oh my gosh! That is horrible! It is true though. They are the gift that keeps on giving when definitely not wanted;p It is of the bad parts of city living, but even roaches and rats won’t deter me from loving this city. Thank you again sweets. I hope you have an amazing weekend! ❤

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  3. Girl, I so admire you for getting up and going to a city like NY five years ago- that truly is incredibly brave. If anyone was saying anything it should be from a place of admiration. Why do there have to be so many haters always?! This post is so beautifully written. I love how you are able to see how those small bumps in the road were really just the platform for something wonderful to blossom. Every time I read your posts and talk to you, the desire to go back to NYC increases more and more. (At this point I’m basically contemplating getting a flight right now hahah). Such a beautiful ode to your city and your growth, K. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awe thank you sweetie for your beautiful words. They really mean a lot to me!
      My friend is experiencing the same thing. People love to hate, especially if they feel like you are achieving something without them or leaving them behind.
      It is hard to see that at times, but every bump has made me appreciate the good because I know not just how fleeting it can be but also how much handwork it takes 🙂
      Yasss! I would say do it…But you might want to wait until the snow melts. :p It was painful coming back to 16 degree weather after being in San Francisco ;0 You are welcome anytime, I would love to show you this city! 🙂 Thank you beauty! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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